My wife and I have hung out with the same group of people for years. We know their health history, how they grew up, what their kids hope to do in the future. But one thing we’ve never discussed is money – not how anyone budgets, or even if anyone budgets, nor how we invest.
Why talk about money?
Yet talking about money can bring a plethora of benefits.
First and foremost, it provides us with an outlet to share our worries or frustrations. It’s easy to think that you’re the only one who has crazy credit card debt or hasn’t saved a huge amount in your emergency fund. By opening up, we allow ourselves to lighten the burden and gain a fresh perspective.
Discussing money issues can also lead to valuable advice and support from people who may have faced similar challenges. I used to bounce ideas off my dad whenever I had an issue around money. My mother-in-law likes to loop us in to some of her decisions – sometimes I think it’s mainly a way for her to organize her thoughts so she’s sure of what she wants to do. It’s always comforting to know that you’re not alone in your financial journeys.
Publicizing your goals around money can also help you meet these goals. When you tell your friends, you not only gain their support but they will follow your progress along the way. This isn’t to demean you if you fail, it’s to provide support if you’re having a rough time or – like all of us – make a mistake when you’re trying to reach a goal.
Speaking of goals, you can create shared goals with your family or friends that help everyone achieve new heights. If you’re in credit card debt and find that others have only been making minimum payments too, you can set a challenge for everyone to have one card paid off by a certain date. Suddenly receiving the credit card bill can be a cause for a get-together to compare results.
One problem with keeping your finances to yourself is it’s easy to hide behind perceived failures. If you’re spending too much, it’s easy not to open the credit card bill when it arrives in the mail. If you’re trying to build up an emergency fund, you may be tempted to direct your cash to other purposes since no one is looking over your shoulder. Talking to people can help you be accountable.
Talking about money can also reveal ideas you’ve never thought of. I’m a very goal-directed person when it comes to money. My wife and I agree on where we want to be at retirement, but also how we want to live while we’re getting there and how we want to build up to that point. However, our way isn’t the only – or possibly even the best – way. Talking to others can help you learn about how they achieved something.
How to start talking about money
As you can tell from my intro, I’m no expert on persuading people to open up about money. I’ve considered starting a conversation several times, but it never seems the “right” time.
Small steps. Since I write about money, it would be easy for me to get into the weeds with too much complexity during a conversation. One way to avoid this is to take small steps. Instead of asking someone about how much they’ve saved for retirement, talk about what they hope to do during retirement. That could easily lead into what mechanisms they are using – do they have a pension, are they able to save in a company retirement plan? You can gradually learn more over several conversations.
Be open with your life. One of the easiest ways to talk about any difficult subject is to lead with your examples. When I would talk to my kids about tough things, I would pull something from my past that was similar. I didn’t want to put them on the spot. By using my examples, they were able to listen and not react, while also seeing that they weren’t the first to have that problem. Same with money – when you’re talking to your friends, laugh about a mistake you made or how you spent gobs of money collecting Pez dispensers when you were younger.
Don’t brag. I think one of the reasons people don’t want to talk about money is they don’t want to find out that they are losing. People tend to think of money and income as a race. My family has this much, yours has how much? Instead of making it a winner take-all-conversation, maybe leave dollar amounts out when you first start talking. Instead of I’m investing $45,000 in retirement accounts, you could say I’m maxing out my company contribution and contributing to an IRA.
Use the news. Ever heard of loud budgeting? I hadn’t until a few weeks ago. Basically, the idea is that you make your penny-pinching ways obvious to your group. If someone asks you out for drinks, you don’t say I’m busy, you say that you went out on Tuesday and only have $6.89 left in the entertainment account for the week. You could use this story to open a conversation with your friends about budgeting. And there are reports about money all the time, whether it’s the latest market move or how house prices rising or falling.
Give it a shot
I don’t know how my friends would react to a money conversation. Some people just won’t talk about certain topics, no matter how you bring them up. However, if you start the conversation using some past examples or perhaps a news story, you should be able to quickly tell who is open to talking about money and who isn’t.
If you do manage to start a dialogue, try to revisit the conversation when you see your friends in the future. If you’re getting together weekly, there’s no need to badger them each week. But if a friend said they are considering using an advisor, give it a few months and find out how it went.
When you talk about money, you realize you’re not the only one who has questions or concerns about where you are. You may find you learn more than you thought possible just by opening up the conversation to money.
Photo by Lisa Fotios