I’ve mentioned before that my mother passed away last year. She had told me on different occasions that she had prepaid for her funeral and opened a bill-pay account for immediate needs. She also provided a copy of the will when she updated it. Yet from the time when we were planning her funeral until probate ended, we often had questions about what she would have wanted.
Explanatory letter
An explanatory letter could have potentially solved some of the issues that arose after she died. For instance, other than a closed casket, we had no idea if there were readings or music she preferred or whether she wanted a big ceremony or a smaller get-together. She had prepaid the plot and casket so thankfully that part was easy. A letter could have answered these questions and helped to flesh out the will. Here are some of the things to include in an explanatory letter.
Complete list of accounts. You wouldn’t want these included in a public document like a will, but in the letter you could have them listed with online login information and recent balances for each. Similarly, if you have set up accounts to bypass probate through “pay on death” or “transfer on death” instructions, you could list these here as well.
Document location. My mom had a safe in her home that contained her will, car and house information, her Social Security card, and some cash. Many people will store wills and other documents in a safe deposit box. Make sure you let your executor know the location and where keys are located.
Weird hiding places. I’ve known a lot of people who hide things in their home. My wife’s great aunt was known for keeping $100 bills in books in her house. Another relative keeps a hard drive with all their backup files in a car in case of a house fire. When you’re writing this letter, remember that people won’t have time to look in the attic or shuffle through every book to find something you’ve hidden.
Reasons for certain decisions. Maybe you are leaving more to one beneficiary or even leaving a potential beneficiary out of the will altogether. Or perhaps the china that’s been passed down in your family is going to one person and not being split. Here you can detail your reasons why certain decisions were made.
Instructions for your funeral. Do you want a party? A somber affair at the local church? Something outside? Have you considered songs, readings, and who you want delivering these? What about flowers or donations? Is there a charity to which you want donations made?
Instructions for your pets. If you have a pet, make sure you discuss who should take the animal and also consider a slight provision for their care.
A draft of your obit. While this may seem morbid, having a draft of your life can provide immeasurable help to your family. People know your life story, but they may not know what you want shared or what’s important to you. Even if you don’t write it out, a few bullet points noting jobs or activities that were important to you can help guide someone.
Have you borrowed/lent anything? My father-in-law passed away just before my mom. He had a small sports car that a friend kept maintained and – during the last few years of his life – in storage. We all knew about this so we knew his wishes; the friend got the car when he passed away. Are you regularly letting anyone use your land or perhaps a second house? Make sure you note this usage and whether or not you want it to continue.
Ethics and beliefs. One thing I knew from conversations with my mother is how she felt about life. We maintained a pretty good relationship with open communication. If you want to reiterate your beliefs and ideals, here’s a perfect place to do it.
No legal authority
The explanatory letter has no legal authority. If you say in your will that you want the house to go to one person and in your letter you say you want the house going to a different person, a judge will only follow instructions from your will. The letter is merely to provide background/additional information that you cannot include or would not want included in your will.
Can be informal
Since this document has no legal authority, it can be hand written on notebook paper and kept with your will. My mom provided some instructions on her funeral that were in her handwriting in a bag of bills. Unfortunately, we didn’t find it until after her funeral.
Let people know
Please make sure your family knows that you’ve written a letter and where it’s located. Perhaps even send a copy to your executor each time you update it if you feel comfortable doing so. The passing of a loved one kicks you in the gut, and all of a sudden, you’re making a number of decisions on a gamut of issues. There’s no time to scour 40 years worth of stuff in a house looking for information until well after the service.
Keep it up to date
Here’s one of the biggest keys, and probably one of the biggest reasons people don’t provide an explanatory letter – you must keep it up to date. My mom told me several times that she opened a joint checking account for my brothers and me to pay bills. She closed it several months before she died. I spent time looking for that account and fortunately found a statement on the kitchen table that noted the account had been closed.
If you find it’s too much trouble to keep the letter up to date, merely provide information on where you keep statements or the master password list. That way you’ll keep those documents updated (or those files populated with statements) and then the executor can go find the latest info.
Even though we didn’t have a letter of instruction from my mom, we managed to cobble together a service I believe she would have been happy with. We used her checkbook and statements found in the house to determine both her bills that would come due and her financial accounts. People have done this for years without a letter. But I would strongly advise you to provide one.
Photo by Scott Graham